The bar exam post I promised is coming, I swear. Hopefully tomorrow. In the meantime, I've been taking a look at the website for BookExpo America, the conference my publisher is sending me to this weekend.
The first thing I looked at were the educational sessions at the conference. Here were some of the ones that looked exciting. Tell me which of these I should attend.
"Are You Ready for ISBN-13? Only Six Months to Go…"
"Supply Chain Tracking: Improving Publisher Profitability via Customer Sales and Inventory Data"
"Aim Globally! Think GDSN (Global Data Synchronized Network)"
"The Copyright Office Comes to BookExpo America"
"Creating and Implementing an Environmental Paper Policy: Publisher Case Study"
"Your Library on Steroids: How Public Libraries are Transforming their Communities"
"Bookstore Tourism: The Independent Bookstore as Group Travel Destination"
Okay, I'm being stupid. I'm picking on the titles of panels that are probably really useful to people who do this for a living, but I happen to think sound really dry. It's not fair. I could do this about any conference for anything. I feel really excited to go to BookExpo, mostly for the chance to get some free books. This post is only meant to be funny. I do not mean anything by it.
Next I looked at the list of books that authors will be autographing. Here are some of the titles:
"Did You Say Pears?"
(Okay, this is a children's book about homonyms. But oh so funny if it wasn't. Just imagine how exciting this book could be.)
"Afterlife Encounters: Everyday people report extraordinary visits from beyond death."
"Chicken Soup for the Father/Daughter Soul"
"Dr. Susan's Girls-Only Weight Loss Guide: The Easy, Fun way to look and feel good! Supportive, self-esteem shaping information plus practical advice for teens 11-17 and their parents."
(Should we really have diet books for 11 year old girls? Really? Honestly?)
"How to Kill Your Boyfriend (in Ten Easy Steps)"
(I'll see if I can find this one and then offer it up to an interested blog reader)
"Chicken Soup for the Mother & Son's Soul"
"The I Chong: Comedian Tommy Chong's memoir inspired by his time in prison."
"What to Do When You're Sad & Lonely: A Guide for Kids"
"A Prayer for the Night, An Ohio Amish Mystery"
(I can't find the clues. If only we could turn the lights on. Quick! He's getting away. On foot.)
"Look What I'm Eating: Delightful book that teaches children about the nutritional benefits of food."
(Not to be confused with Look What Else I'm Eating, which teaches children about the nutritional benefits of paint)
"My Senator and Me: A behind the scenes look at the life of a Senator told from the point of view of his dog."
(This is by Ted Kennedy. Read that last part of the sentence again. From the point of view of his dog???)
"The Dog Diet"
"Dressing the Man You Love: A Woman's Guide to Purchasing, Coordinating, and Caring for His Classic Wardrobe"
"Making Peace With Your Thighs"
"The Gentle Way - A Self-Help Guide For Those Who Believe in Angels"
(Why do they need self-help? Won't the angels help them?)
"Sneeze-Free Dog Breeds"
(The dogs don't sneeze, or the people?)
"Heart Disease: What Your Doctor Won't Tell You"
"Knitting Rules! A humorous examination of the myths and rules that knitters accept as gospel."
(Wow. This book sounds so terrifyingly unappealing.)
"Needy: Looking for a Soulmate . . . but Settling for a Stalemate"
"Window Fashions 6th Edition: A myriad of window treatments for any room in the home."
(For any room in the home!!!)
"Ballsy: 99 Ways to Grow a (Bigger) Pair and Score Extreme Business Success"
"Success in 30 Seconds: Discover the Secrets of a Winning First Impression"
(If this book doesn't grab you on the first page...)
"Brownies to Die For!"
(I'll take the weight loss book with that... and the heart disease book too.)
"Las Vegas Little Red Book: A Girl's Guide to the Perfect Vegas Weekend"
"Best Fantastic Erotica: Anthology collecting the winners of the annual search for the best erotic science fiction and fantasy"
(I'm scared. Really.)
"Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul 2"
(It'll never be as good as the first volume. God. Save me.)
"How I Lost 10 Pounds in 53 Years"
"My Father the Dog"
"You're Sharp Enough to be Your Own Surgeon"
"The Secret Life of Math"
"Pancakes for Supper!"
(Okay, kids book, not diet book. But it could have been!)