This is a meta-post, about a post I wrote last night and didn't post. I wrote it at two in the morning, and usually I'm not smart enough to realize that anything I write at two in the morning needs a fresh look in the morning, but this time I was smart enough to save as draft. Here's part of what I wrote:
The book comes out in four weeks.
I want it to come out now. I want it to come out now, because I want to get to stop thinking about it. That's not exactly what I mean. I want it to come out now, because I don't want to be able to use it as an excuse anymore. It's my excuse for having no idea what I'm doing, no idea what I want my life to look like, no idea how to make myself feel happy and fulfilled and engaged in the world, no idea how to spend my days. And it's a great excuse, in a lot of ways, because it's so easy. Everyone thinks I must be swamped with pre-book things to do. Pretty much every e-mail I get imagines a world filled with activities related to the book. And, absolutely, there are some of these, which I want to talk more about but haven't yet.
But I'm not as busy as I could be, or should be, or want to be. And I'm using the book as an excuse, because I don't know what happens, if anything, once the book comes out. I'm sort of doing what I felt proud of myself that I didn't do in law school, which is being passive and hoping that options come to me, instead of seeking things out and actively making choices and decisions and making things happen for myself. I'm doing what makes people in law school end up at law firms without really ever deciding to.
And it's because of some vague uncertainty about not being able to commit to something because I don't know the future. Except that's ridiculous. Allowing myself to be paralyzed by the fact that I don't know the future won't solve anything, because there will always be an unknown future, no matter what.
And I went on for a while like that, and pretty much just needed to write it more than I needed to post it. I mean, it's unnecessary whining, really. I have nothing to actually be frustrated about at this point, and if I'm driving myself insane checking the counter stats for the anonymous law firm page, it's my own darn fault and I should force myself to do something about it.
Anyway, so you get the slightly edited version of the angsty post, with the caveat that in the light of day, I feel a lot better about the universe than that post makes it sound like I do. :)