Just a pointer to Tuesday's Anonymous Lawyer entry, about the salary increases at some of the big firms. I'm a little worried Anonymous Lawyer is making too much sense tonight. :) No, I'm not wishing I took the law firm job, but, gosh, that's a lot of money, and there's probably something very liberating -- if you can bring yourself to do it -- about giving up on what you really want to do and settling for "just a job," albeit a lucrative and secure and prestigious and probably sometimes interesting and challenging one. I know, I know, I know I'm too-often guilty of ignoring the fact that there are people who can genuinely have it both ways -- who find the law firm work interesting and are passionate about it and it's really what they want to be doing. And, I mean, great for them, because they get to have it both ways. They get the security of a law firm job, and it also happens to be the thing they love to do. Now, I certainly can't complain about a single thing that's happened on my career road so far, I've been extraordinarily fortunate, and it's also the case that success doing what I want to be doing would bring me comparable security. It's not like I want to be a poet or a painter. But there are certainly moments when I think about how much *easier* it would be to not be striving for anything at all, and just to be able to suck it up and deal with a job I didn't love that would pay the bills and I could get fulfillment from everything else in my life. But easier doesn't mean more fulfilling or satisfying, and I don't *actually* wish I was wired that way, and I wouldn't make that tradeoff. The highs are higher when you care about something, even if the lows are lower. And the burden of worrying about your future, and of trying to push and push to make things happen... I think or at least I hope that it ends up worth it in the end, and gets you to a more rewarding place than if you just give up and don't strive, and settle. I don't know. I don't know if anyone really ends up making conscious decisions about this kind of stuff. I think we're all just wired in one way or another and if we're the kind of person who's going to strive for something, and worry about finding meaning and satisfaction and fulfillment in our work, then we're stuck, and that's who we are, and if you're the kind of person who doesn't feel that push, then you just don't. I'm just rambling. It's been a very unproductive day, punctuated by reminders that I need to keep pushing if I want to end up where I want to end up, and that the scariest thing about this kind of stuff is that it's all on you, you don't have a boss, you're not accountable to anyone but yourself, and there's really no one to blame but yourself if you don't end up executing the best you can. I think I'm just disappointed that I thought this TV stuff was more of a slam dunk than it's turning out to be, and I got too much of a teaser for my own good, too spoiled seeing what it could be like, and now I'm frustrated that I don't know exactly what the path is to get back there. I mean, it's all good, and I have nothing to complain about, but it'll still be disappointing if it doesn't happen, as much as I realize I've been way too fortunate and really don't have the right to be disappointed.