Jeremy Blachman's Weblog: 2009: Uncle Ben's Rice

March 30, 2007

Uncle Ben's Rice

There's a NY Times article about Uncle Ben's Rice and a new marketing campaign intending to update the brand and take away the subservient image of Uncle Ben. The article directed me to UncleBens.com, a ridiculously stupid website. The point of the campaign is that Uncle Ben (no last name) is now chairman of the company, and on the website you can explore his office.

If you click on his computer, you can read 3 "e-mails" from Uncle Ben to other people in the office. One of them instructs his HR person to give a particularly exemplary mailroom clerk a coupon for a free box of microwavable rice. Another complains that there's a jiggly lock on the exit door and the company's secret to perfect rice is going to be stolen. The third rejects a proposal to reduce the boiling time of the rice because the "Perfect Every Time" mission may be sacrificed. These are all silly, but relatively harmless. Then there's the "chat" feature, where you can have a conversation with some poorly-programmed artificial intelligence that's supposed to be Uncle Ben himself. Here's the transcript of my chat with Uncle Ben.

[Guest]: Hi

[Ben]: In Packaging Department. viewing the new box. It is a remarkable likeness. Will speak with you shortly.

[Guest]: That's great.

[Ben]: It is difficult to type and eat rice at the same time. Let’s talk when I am done.

[Guest]: I don't like rice.

[Ben]: Am attending the Beau Brummell Celebration in London. Will be my pleasure to chat upon my return.

[Guest]: Wait -- I thought you were in the packaging department!

[Ben]: In Packaging Department. viewing the new box. It is a remarkable likeness. Will speak with you shortly.

[Guest]: Right, like you said. But then you said you're in London. What gives?

[Ben]: Meeting with whole grain manufacturers. Happy to report they take health and nutrition as seriously as I do.

[Guest]: Whoa, you're busy!

[Ben]: Out of office for rice harvesting season. My, those combines are loud. Will reply when I return.

[Guest]: Okay, Ben, you are amazing. You're in London, the packaging department, meeting with manufacturers, harvesting rice -- all at the same time???

[Ben]: Currently being fitted for a new blue suit. Upon returning and hanging up my new coat, will be in touch.

[Guest]: AND buying a new suit! What's wrong with the old suit?

[Ben]: Are you at work or at home?

[Guest]: I'm at home, Ben. But you didn't answer my question.

[Ben]: State dinners would be more diplomatic if they always served my ORIGINAL CONVERTED® Brand Rice. Can we pick up this conversation when I return?

[Guest]: You're not at a state dinner. You're lying to me. You just don't want to talk. What happened? Did I do something wrong?

[Ben]: State dinners would be more diplomatic if they always served my ORIGINAL CONVERTED® Brand Rice. Can we pick up this conversation when I return?

[Guest]: You said that already. Have you been feeling okay?

[Ben]: Will you be available to talk later?

[Guest]: Probably not. I'll be eating potatoes. I like them better than rice.

[Ben]: In Packaging Department. viewing the new box. It is a remarkable likeness. Will speak with you shortly.

[Guest]: I don't believe you.

[Ben]: Away accepting another award for my rice. Nice that people still recognize the value of wholesome goodness when they taste it.

[Guest]: Your rice sucks, and so do you.

[Ben]: Away accepting another award for my rice. Nice that people still recognize the value of wholesome goodness when they taste it.

[Guest]: Same old story. I wish we didn't have a compulsive liar as the chairman of our rice empire.

[Ben]: Out of office for rice harvesting season. My, those combines are loud. Will reply when I return.

[Guest]: Can you say anything else?

[Ben]: Have you had a chance to look around my office?

[Guest]: Yes. I stole your laptop.

[Ben]: State dinners would be more diplomatic if they always served my ORIGINAL CONVERTED® Brand Rice. Can we pick up this conversation when I return?

[Guest]: Yes, I guess we can.

[Ben]: Have you had a chance to look around my office?

[Guest]: Or we can continue talking now, I guess. Make up your mind, Ben.

[Ben]: It is difficult to type and eat rice at the same time. Let’s talk when I am done.

[Guest]: Fine. I'm leaving.

[Ben]: Can you believe the president of Latovia is so closed-minded about rice? We’ll talk once I change his mind.

[Guest]: Wait, Latovia? Where is that? Is that a company or a country? You get meetings with heads of state just because you make rice? You don't even have a last name -- how are you getting a meeting with the President of a fake country?

[Ben]: In Packaging Department. viewing the new box. It is a remarkable likeness. Will speak with you shortly.

[Guest]: You have Alzheimer's, Ben. You need to take your pills.

[Ben]: In Packaging Department. viewing the new box. It is a remarkable likeness. Will speak with you shortly.

[Guest]: Okay, goodbye Ben.

[Ben]: Meeting with whole grain manufacturers. Happy to report they take health and nutrition as seriously as I do.

If this is the best that a major ad agency can do, it's pretty sad.

March 30, 2007 at 05:02 PM in Things I'm Reading, Watching, or Listening To | Permalink

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