"Sarah Palin does not know how to spell her own name, aides reported on Thursday. In addition, one senior official revealed that while on the campaign trail, Palin had three secret abortions, and replaced John McCain's blood pressure medication with crazy pills, which may explain his erratic behavior and poorly-run campaign. Palin was, according to one insider, 'a binge drinker,' and 'planning an attack on the Liberty Bell with leaders of Al Qaeda,' helping to explain her frequent visits to Pennsylvania, which top McCain aides have now revealed had nothing to do with gaining Republican votes in the state, because, according to them, 'surely, if that had been the goal, we would have had to be more successful than we were, even if merely by chance.' One advisor reported this morning that Palin was caught masturbating on the campaign plane using an original copy of the U.S. Constitution. When confronted, she seemed unaware of what the term 'Constitution' referred to, and confused as to the words on the document. 'Words,' Palin is reported to have said, 'words don't mean nothin' to me.' A top campaign strategist confided to reporters Thursday afternoon that Palin was never in fact offered the post of Vice President, but that she misinterpreted an e-mail sent to her prior to the convention. 'She was offered the post of Lice President,' the strategist admitted, 'because of her experience checking the hairs of every child in Wasilla for lice, which was of course her chief duty as Mayor of the town. Due to her lack of ability to read, she assumed we were offering her the spot as Senator McCain's running mate, and before we could stop her, she was on a plane to the convention and by then it was too late to do anything about it.' One young deputy with the campaign commented that Palin once tried to buy the blouse she was wearing, and offered her $80,000 of campaign money, in cash. When the deputy declined, Palin threw the cash in a garbage can and burned it. When informed of what she had done, Palin insisted that paper money has no value, and that the only currency she was aware of was eyeballs. She then murdered a baby, took out his eyes, and tried to buy a sandwich."