Jeremy Blachman's Weblog: 2009

"Writers Strike Back"

I wrote a short thing about the strike.  I guess it's the script for a short film -- it's 18 pages, 6 scenes.  I think it's funny, but I may just be riding the endorphin high of cranking out 18 pages yesterday, and it may in fact be more silly/stupid than funny.  But I thought I'd post and share, in case anyone wants to read. 

It's about two aspiring TV writers who decide the only way they're ever going to get a job is to take matters into their own hands. 

A fair bit of it directly draws directly on inspiration from the picket lines this past week, but hopefully it resonates regardless of whether you're a guild member or not.

Two ways you can read it:

Poorly formatted, but in a web page -- here.

Or you can download the easier-to-read PDF:  Download writers_strike_back.pdf.

If you like it (or if you don't), throw me some comments, and obviously if you really do think it's funny, feel more than encouraged to throw the link to some friends.

Larry Craig

Inspired by the news, I started playing around with a quick blog idea.  Senator Larry Craig's Airport Tips.  Even if it's semi-funny, within about 36 hours the news cycle will have passed and it won't matter.  But if you think it's funny, feel free to pass it on.  If not, feel free to ignore it.  I'm not sure I think I've executed terribly well on what I think was a reasonably funny idea, but maybe it's amusing.

President Bush: The Cliff's Notes

I didn't catch President Bush's speech tonight, but the transcript is here.  It's a lot to wade through.  I thought I'd save you the trouble.  An attempt to distill the speech down, one sentence per paragraph.

We're at war.
The Iraqi election last year was cool.
But now there's lots of violence.
Oops.
Failure would be bad.
Failure would be very bad.
Most of the violence is near Baghdad.
We're not securing Baghdad very well.
We will secure Baghdad better.
This will take a lot of new troops.
But these troops will help us secure Baghdad better.
The Iraqi government needs to help too.
Hopefully this will lead to less violence.
And make the Iraqi people more confident.
The Iraqi government needs to help too.
We will help them.
We will also fight al Qaeda.
Which we are currently doing.
Iran is bad too.
The whole middle east is a little icky.
We should fix that.
Really, we should.
But back to Iraq.
Victory there would be good.
We need to stay there or bad stuff will happen.
Congress hates me.
But I'm forming a committee.
The military is awesome.
America is awesome.
My speech is over.

Cotton Candy

When did they start selling cotton candy as a bag with 4 balls of it inside?  When I was a kid, cotton candy came in an amount you can ball up in one hand and stuff into your mouth.  Now it's like 4 or 5 or 17 handfuls.  That's a lot of sugar.  I mean, it's pretty unappealing regardless, but in that quantity, it seems even more so.

In related news, how many Cracker Jacks can one person eat?

Baseball games are fun.

Book Expo!

The bar exam post I promised is coming, I swear.  Hopefully tomorrow.  In the meantime, I've been taking a look at the website for BookExpo America, the conference my publisher is sending me to this weekend.

The first thing I looked at were the educational sessions at the conference.  Here were some of the ones that looked exciting.  Tell me which of these I should attend.

"Are You Ready for ISBN-13?  Only Six Months to Go…"

"Supply Chain Tracking: Improving Publisher Profitability via Customer Sales and Inventory Data"

"Aim Globally!  Think GDSN (Global Data Synchronized Network)"

"The Copyright Office Comes to BookExpo America"

"Creating and Implementing an Environmental Paper Policy:  Publisher Case Study"

"Your Library on Steroids:  How Public Libraries are Transforming their Communities"

"Bookstore Tourism: The Independent Bookstore as Group Travel Destination"

Okay, I'm being stupid.  I'm picking on the titles of panels that are probably really useful to people who do this for a living, but I happen to think sound really dry.  It's not fair.  I could do this about any conference for anything.  I feel really excited to go to BookExpo, mostly for the chance to get some free books.  This post is only meant to be funny.  I do not mean anything by it.

Next I looked at the list of books that authors will be autographing.  Here are some of the titles:

"Did You Say Pears?"
(Okay, this is a children's book about homonyms.  But oh so funny if it wasn't.  Just imagine how exciting this book could be.)

"Afterlife Encounters: Everyday people report extraordinary visits from beyond death."

"Chicken Soup for the Father/Daughter Soul"

"Dr. Susan's Girls-Only Weight Loss Guide: The Easy, Fun way to look and feel good!  Supportive, self-esteem shaping information plus practical advice for teens 11-17 and their parents."
(Should we really have diet books for 11 year old girls?  Really?  Honestly?)

"How to Kill Your Boyfriend (in Ten Easy Steps)"
(I'll see if I can find this one and then offer it up to an interested blog reader)

"Chicken Soup for the Mother & Son's Soul"

"The I Chong: Comedian Tommy Chong's memoir inspired by his time in prison."

"What to Do When You're Sad & Lonely: A Guide for Kids"

"A Prayer for the Night, An Ohio Amish Mystery"
(I can't find the clues.  If only we could turn the lights on.  Quick!  He's getting away.  On foot.)

"Look What I'm Eating: Delightful book that teaches children about the nutritional benefits of food."
(Not to be confused with Look What Else I'm Eating, which teaches children about the nutritional benefits of paint)

"My Senator and Me: A behind the scenes look at the life of a Senator told from the point of view of his dog."
(This is by Ted Kennedy.  Read that last part of the sentence again.  From the point of view of his dog???)

"The Dog Diet"

"Dressing the Man You Love: A Woman's Guide to Purchasing, Coordinating, and Caring for His Classic Wardrobe"

"Making Peace With Your Thighs"

"The Gentle Way - A Self-Help Guide For Those Who Believe in Angels"
(Why do they need self-help?  Won't the angels help them?)

"Sneeze-Free Dog Breeds"
(The dogs don't sneeze, or the people?)

"Heart Disease: What Your Doctor Won't Tell You"

"Knitting Rules! A humorous examination of the myths and rules that knitters accept as gospel."
(Wow.  This book sounds so terrifyingly unappealing.)

"Needy: Looking for a Soulmate . . . but Settling for a Stalemate"

"Window Fashions 6th Edition: A myriad of window treatments for any room in the home."
(For any room in the home!!!)

"Ballsy: 99 Ways to Grow a (Bigger) Pair and Score Extreme Business Success"

"Success in 30 Seconds: Discover the Secrets of a Winning First Impression"
(If this book doesn't grab you on the first page...)

"Brownies to Die For!"
(I'll take the weight loss book with that... and the heart disease book too.)

"Las Vegas Little Red Book: A Girl's Guide to the Perfect Vegas Weekend"

"Best Fantastic Erotica: Anthology collecting the winners of the annual search for the best erotic science fiction and fantasy"
(I'm scared.  Really.)

"Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul 2"
(It'll never be as good as the first volume.  God.  Save me.)

"How I Lost 10 Pounds in 53 Years"

"My Father the Dog"

"You're Sharp Enough to be Your Own Surgeon"

"The Secret Life of Math"

"Pancakes for Supper!"
(Okay, kids book, not diet book.  But it could have been!)

Breaking News

Breaking news.  Turns out Kaavya Viswanathan isn't even Indian.  She actually stole her identity from an Indian classmate, and her family's actually Welsh.  Seriously, I hope she has a good support network.  I'd hate to be in her shoes.  Actually, she probably stole her shoes from another author.

Oh, nevermind.  I'm about a week late to even be trying.

Just a random sketch

I just wrote a sketch I think is sort of funny.  Figured I'd share.  I just wrote it, so I may think it's funnier than it really is.

(Lights up on a living room. Matt sits on the couch watching TV. We hear a door open. Matt turns. Steve enters, coat on, wearing a backpack.)

STEVE
Yo.

MATT
Yo.

STEVE
You spend the whole day watching TV?

MATT
Pretty much.

STEVE
So you didn’t, oh, I don’t know, do the dishes?

MATT
Nope. Sorry. I’ll do them tomorrow.

STEVE
You said that yesterday.

MATT
Yeah. Sorry.

STEVE
You don’t DO anything all day. Why can’t you just do the dishes?

MATT
I don’t not DO anything. I’m getting ready for an audition on Friday. I need to find my emotional center. I don’t have the energy to worry about the dishes.

STEVE
I guess this is what I get for living with… an actor.

MATT
You say that like it’s a worthless thing I do. Acting is a noble profession. Wait. Hold that thought for a second. (Matt grabs a newspaper off the couch and holds it like it means something.) Acting is a noble profession.

STEVE
There’s an article in the paper about it?

MATT
No. I just thought the line sounded better with a prop in my hand.

STEVE
Wow. Just do the dishes and stop making excuses.

MATT
They’re not excuses. I need my head to be clear for this part. I need to capture the essence of the character, a down-on-his-luck yet upwardly mobile textile worker in 1840s Lowell, Massachusetts. (beat.) He doesn’t do the dishes. (Matt gets up and moves to another spot on the stage.) A down-on-his-luck yet upwardly mobile textile worker in 1840s Lowell, Massachusetts. (beat.) He doesn’t do the dishes.

STEVE
I heard you the first time.

MATT
Yeah, but there’s better light over here.

STEVE
There’s terrific light over by the sink.

MATT
You won’t trick me with that one again. (second time with more deliberate choices.) You… won’t trick me with that one… again. (third time even more over-the-top.) You won’t trick me with that one again. Yet again. Again. (he picks up the newspaper.) Again. (he moves to new light.) Again.

STEVE
It’s been two years, and you haven’t gotten a single part you’ve auditioned for.

MATT
It takes time. The life of an actor is a hard one.

STEVE
Not yours. You don’t even do the dishes.

MATT
Still with the dishes. Look, if we’re actually going to argue about this I need to put new pants on. This isn’t a good arguing costume.

STEVE
I don’t want to argue, Matt. I just want a clean fork. I know it’s hard for you, but I work all day and I’m tired, and I don’t want to wash the dishes either. I know you’re not trying to be difficult.

MATT
(interrupting) No.

STEVE
What?

MATT
The emotional reconciliation can’t come until the second act. Save it. We need to get all of our feelings out on the table. We need a heated climax before we can recover. Yell at me. Tell me what you’re feeling.

(Steve starts to say something.)

MATT
Hold a dirty fork while you do it. Hold the fork. It’ll make it more dramatic.

(Steve picks a dirty fork out of the sink, not entirely sure why.) 

STEVE
Holding this fork isn’t going to make a difference. I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

MATT
Roll your sleeves up.

(Steve rolls his sleeves up, half-heartedly.) 

MATT
And move over toward me, in the light.

(Steve moves toward Matt, sleeves rolled up, holding the fork.) 

MATT
And let it all out. 

STEVE (holding the fork limply)
I just want a clean fork.

MATT (reaching out and moving Steve’s arm)
No, thrust the fork at me. Really make your point.

STEVE (with more passion)
I just want a clean fork! 

(Matt moves Steve’s whole body six inches to the left and unbuttons one of the buttons on his shirt.)

STEVE (even more passion)
I just want a clean fork!

MATT
Even more.

STEVE (lots of passion)
I just want a clean fork! (as he says it, he thrusts the fork at Matt and stabs him with it. It’s now stuck in Matt’s chest. Matt is thrilled. Steve is shocked at what he’s done)

MATT
Great. Curtain. Ten-minute intermission and then we’ll talk about the laundry.

(Matt exits. Steve remains in shock. Lights fade.)

April Fools Jokes On Law Firm Websites

Two years ago, I wrote a post called "April Fools Jokes on Law School Websites."  Today, I figured I'd poke around some law firm websites and see what I could find.  I think it's more fun to present these without the firm names, so that's why I'm leaving them out, but it's all probably google-able.  Feel free to add your own in the comments, since this is less funny than I hoped it would be, and I'll probably do a better April Fools post later anyway, since this really isn't that thrilling.  Anyway:

1. "We encourage participation in professional and community affairs and, while always placing the needs of clients above private convenience, we seek to observe reasonable schedules of work which will make that participation possible, at the same time preserving a normal and healthy family life."

2. "There is no minimum number of billable or pro bono hours an associate must meet."

3. "At the heart of our culture is its seniority-based compensation system for partners that avoids internal dissension and competition."

4. "Our partners frequently form collaborative legal teams."

5. "Our attorneys are active in a wide range of community activities."

6. "Most lawyers take the 20 days of vacation leave that the firm offers each year."

7. "Helping our employees to balance home and work life is one of the firm's core values."

8. "Family life and life outside the practice of law are also important, and the Firm strives to make this difficult balance easier for attorneys trying to 'have it all.'"

9. "The Firm also solicits feedback from its associates on general workplace issues."

10. "We look forward to hearing from you."

Black. White.

I wrote last week about the new FX show, Black. White., about a white family that wears black makeup and a black family that wears white makeup, and they go out into the world to see how people treat them, and hopefully to learn something about racism.  It doesn't entirely work, but the concept's interesting.  I was talking about it to a friend last week, and we came up with some other combinations they should try:

Ugly. Pretty.  They make a pretty person ugly and an ugly person pretty, and see how they're treated in the world, maybe they do speed dating, try and get a job as a waitress, etc.  I actually think, in all seriousness, this would be a pretty interesting show to watch.  My suggestions will go downhill from here, I promise, but this one seems like an actual potential sequel, and one that would be even easier to pull off than Black. White.

Old. Young.  OK, making a young person look old is pretty straightfoward -- makeup, some weights in their legs to make them walk slower, maybe some foggy glasses to simulate cataracts, a sleeping pill to slow their mind (I'm not serious), I don't know.  Making an old person young seems harder, but maybe there's some magic makeup, and a hairstylist could work wonders... someone could do something, it doesn't seem insurmountable.  And then see how they're treated -- walking down the street, in stores, trying to buy fancy clothing, maybe trying to buy something really technological, like a computer.  I think that would be interesting.

Fat. Thin.  Again, one way is easy to transform, the other one, not so much.  Maybe put them on stilts to make them taller and spread the weight around some more.  I don't know.  Baggy clothing?  But the concept could be cool -- are fat people treated differently?

Tall. Short.  OK, maybe making a tall person short is impossible.  Maybe he can wear fun house mirrors to fool people into thinking he's short.  I don't know.  But interesting in theory.

Blind. Deaf.  ...and that's when I stop and acknowledge I've taken the gimmick too far....

Any others?

Who Wants To Be Angelina Jolie's Next Adopted Child?

My friend Rob and I came up with an idea for a new reality show.  The competition element of Survivor, with the audience participation of American Idol, with the celebrity factor of Dancing with the Stars, with the international appeal of the Olympics.

"Who Wants To Be A Celebrity's Next Adopted Kid?"

A dozen orphans from countries around the world (China! Rwanda! Canada!) compete to be the one kid that a well-known celebrity will end up adopting at the end of the program.  On week one, we introduce the celebrity, some likable famous person who's eager to adopt a child and give him or her an amazingly overprivileged life.  Each week, the children do something -- show off a talent, take an IQ test, prance around in a swimsuit, whatever -- and the audience calls in to vote one of the twelve orphans "Back to the Orphanage" until only one child is left, and that's the winner.

I'd watch it, wouldn't you?