Jeremy Blachman's Weblog: 2012

Three More New Ones

A piece today on Barnes & Noble, satirizing the life of a humor writer.

I'm even starting to franchise.  I've put together a packet with the information someone needs to be a humor writer -- I outsourced the writing of it to some hack I found on the Internet -- and for a small percentage of revenue, someone can use my name and the existing equity of my brand to shop their pieces, with exclusive rights to markets around the world.

It's a bit of a strange one.  The Writing Business.  

And from Medium, a piece on the health hazards of underground supper clubs:

We use only fresh micro greens, discarded corn husks, and garbage. The salad was composed by Shelly, a good friend I met at the wound clinic at a local hospital. She only needs three more treatments until she’s better.

Underground, Illegal, and Delicious.  

Plus, also on Medium, some new writing contests and submission opportunities you might be interested in:

— Desperate for entries to the Roger Jones Memorial Writing Contest. We give you information about Mr. Jones, and you write a memorial. Deadline is Friday at 7 p.m. Meet us at St. Matthew’s Cathedral with the text.

Entirely Real Writing Contests and Submission Opportunities.

Three Recent Pieces on Medium

I have three recent pieces on Medium...

Novelist: The Video Game:

Can you make the journey from your bed to your desk without getting sidetracked by the Trolls of Temptation? Oh, look, one very persuasive troll thinks you should clean your entire house before you write. That seems like a great idea. Do that. Another troll is showing you how easy it is to make chocolate chip cookies. You should do that too. A third troll has his own reality show, and there’s a marathon of the entire season on MTV. Take a break and watch all of the episodes, then blog about it.

A Note About Our Zoo:

Up until now, the mouse exhibit has not been an intentional one. We just have a lot of mice, and they’re everywhere. We’ll be attempting to corral them into one cage, and putting a sign in front with some mouse-related information.

I Spent an Hour Away From the Internet:

The first thing I needed to do was let the people closest to me know that I would be unavailable between 11 a.m. and noon on my chosen day of freedom. I spent four days combing through my contacts in order to put together the list. To my 11,549 closest friends and most critical professional colleagues, I crafted a carefully-worded e-mail:

I AM LEAVING THE INTERNET FOR AN HOUR. IF I AM URGENTLY NEEDED, PLEASE SEND A SMOKE SIGNAL. I WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I AM BACK.

Enjoy!

Our Terrible Nanny is Available Starting Immediately

Today on McSweeney's:

Are you looking for a nanny? Are you not particularly concerned about your child’s welfare? If so, our terrible nanny may be the perfect fit for you and your family. Trained in tango, bartending, and a host of other skills entirely unrelated to the care of a human being, she’s a great nanny if you just want to get away from your baby, and it’s either her or the street.

Here's the link.

The Anthony Weiner Crisis Management Consulting Firm Is Open for Business

My latest on Medium:

5. Find the most sympathetic, trustworthy person in your circle of influence. Make her defend you with crazy justifications for whatever it is you did. The more ridiculous you can make her seem, the better it will be for you. You don’t want anyone close to you to retain any credibility, because then they can leave you for something better. This way, if you make them seem like they’re just as crazy as you are, they’re stuck with you.

Here's the link.

Best Video Games of 1635

From a couple of weeks ago, on Medium:

4. Foot Race 1K63XV

The 1,635th installment in the long-running Foot Race series now features Greatest Feet Mode, where you can run with some of history’s fastest, like Pythagoras, Attila the Hun, and Jesus— who may be difficult to beat when he takes a shortcut and walks across the lake. Also because his character comes with an extra life.

Here's the link.

Sex on Campus: Dear Mom

Over on Medium, I have a take on last week's New York Times piece about college women and sex.  "Dear Mom: Guess what? I'm in The New York Times!"

Mom, you taught me women can do anything — and we can, with or without a man, although, as the article explains, mostly with. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’re strong and empowered, and, even if we sometimes take on more than we can swallow, we eventually figure out how to get it down.

Here's the link.

The Foie Gras Fountain is in Conference Room B

My latest on Medium is a spoof on startup culture...

There are free movie tickets in a dispenser outside the People Management office, along with complimentary admission vouchers to nearby skate parks, climbing walls, and ski slopes, all of which we own and allow you to fully multitask. Yes, that’s a workstation over by the water slide.

Here's the link.

Brand New, Recently Renovated

On Barnes and Noble, a piece built off a New York Times article about parking spaces selling for half a million dollars up in Boston.

Yes, of course it can serve as a bedroom, with the addition of a bed. It can also serve as a bathroom. It has, in fact, served as a bathroom in the past, for many.

Here's the link.

[Intern, Give This Humor Piece A Title By Noon at the Latest]

A federal district court has ruled that unpaid internships violate the law unless they foster an educational environment and the employer does not receive benefit from the work.  Hence, a brand-new internship program.

9:00 AM - 9:50 AM -- Phones 101
In this class, which will be taught by Associate Professor Sally The Receptionist, you will learn proper telephone etiquette, including how to take messages, how to transfer calls, and, in an advanced graduate-level unit, how to order lunch for a lactose-intolerant junior vice president who enjoys some variety in his meals, and please get extra napkins.

Here's the link.

An Important Security Update Regarding Your Microwave

My latest at Medium tackles the problem of hackers, from the point of view of someone who has no idea what hackers are.

You may think you’re safe, but you’re probably not. No matter what you’re heating in our microwaves, your food is at risk. These dangerous hackers will go phishing for your steamed fish. Even free-range eggs can be cracked. And unless you truly need Java to run critical system functions, please stop using our microwave ovens to reheat it. It’s never as good as fresh, anyway. We’re just trying to protect you.

Here's the link.

Frequently Asked Questions About Our Destination Wedding

My newest on Medium, for anyone who's ever been invited to a wedding that seemed like a bit too much of ordeal to attend.

Q. The invitation just said 'August' and didn’t mention an exact date. When is the wedding?

A. Haha-- that's part of the fun!

Here's the link.

Non-GMO? Non-OMG!

I've got a new humor piece up at Medium about new food labels for the social media set.  Are you being appropriately vigilant about what you're taking pictures of?  #YOLO ("You Only Lunch Once")

Here's the link.

Welcome to the Thrifty Inn

My latest humor piece at Barnes & Noble is about a hotel where you probably don't want to stay:

We care about our guests, and want  to do everything we can to avoid the spread of cholera. On a related note,  you will definitely want to avoid the mints we have here at the check-in  counter.

Here's the link.

Work from H.O.M.E.

My newest at McSweeney's. Recall the Yahoo you-can't-work-from-home news from earlier this year. At this fictional company, you're not only permitted to work from home, but you MUST work from home. Well, H.O.M.E., their new Headquarters Of Mass Enslavement. Free wifi. Enjoy.

Here's the link.

Greetings from your Soon-to-be Realtor

There was a recent New York Times piece about realtors desperate to find vacant New York City apartments to sell. My latest piece imagines one of those realtors.

How are you enjoying your high-speed Internet? Hope you’ve downloaded everything you're ever planning to, because I have it on good authority that your building’s connection cables are about to be yanked out of the ground by some enterprising young realtor. (And we both know he can — and will! — keep doing that each and every time they’re fixed.)

So before the water starts tasting funny — and, trust me, it’s about to — and your power starts to mysteriously go out every time you’re trying to use your microwave, you might want to give me a call. It’s going to be much harder to sell once someone dies in your apartment.

Here's the link.

Belly Rub

The New York Times ran a story a few weeks ago about the difficulty of finding pet-friendly apartments in NYC. My newest humor piece, at Barnes & Noble, looks at the issue from a dog's perspective.

SPOT JONES is a 6-year-old Dalmatian with a solid job at the  local fire station, good credit history, and no criminal record. He  seeks to rent a one-bedroom for himself and his pet human, Arnold, age  28, no history of biting. The question up for discussion is whether we  want to allow humans in the building.

Here's the link.

Please Consider The Environment Before You Print This Humor Piece

Over on Medium, published on Earth Day.

Please also consider the environment before you print it, throw it away, print it again, realize you already read it, throw it away, print it again, realize you've now read it three times, light it on fire, and throw it out the window of your SUV into a nature preserve, and into the mouth of a baby panda.

Here's the link.

"I Have So Many People To Thank..."

A new piece on The Millions, about extra-long acknowledgments at the back of books...

A book may have only one name on the cover, but in reality it is written by millions of people — or at least this book was, particularly the sections I borrowed from volumes throughout the Rock Creek Public Library system.

Here's the link.

About Our Serious News Magazine's Brand New Redesign, Yo.

My latest piece is on Medium, and it's about the future of journalism.

In our very first issue, back in 1704, we pledged to engage our readers in spirited debate about the most critical issues of our time, no matter how hard we would have to fight to ensure our voice would be heard. As part of our redesign, in this issue we introduce a recurring feature called "Mug'z," where we use photo editing software to dress celebrity babies in prison outfits.

Here's the link.

Pardon the Construction

A new piece of mine on Splitsider... Pardon the Construction: Our Plastic Surgery Clinic is Undergoing a Face Lift:

We'll be pulling the rug as tight as we can, and turning the walls a completely different color than they currently are. We'll also be injecting some material from the couch cushions into the ceiling, although we're not entirely sure why. Be warned that this material may drip as it settles. We've removed 80% of the papers from our file cabinets and replaced them with expandable silicone inserts. If your medical file has been replaced by a balloon filled with gel, we apologize for the inconvenience.

Here's the link.

Artisanal Preservington, New York

My favorite thing I've written so far in 2013 is about hipsters moving to the suburbs, for the Barnes & Noble Review:

"Every train is now a hybrid, and made mostly from corn. You just hop on board, start pedaling, and you're back in Brooklyn in no time. Kettle-cooked taro chips and natural licorice soda are available in the dining car, and there's even a yoga class that takes up the last four rows of seats, every morning on the 8:07."

I know I shouldn't have favorites, but I'm really proud of this piece.

Here's the link.

"My Grandmother Reviews The Medication At The Bottom of Her Purse"

My newest piece, over at theNewerYork's Electric Encyclopedia of Experimental Literature.

The Round Blue One:
“This one is very good. I think it may be for my memory, but I’m not sure. It might be for my heart. Either way, it’s very easy to swallow and I like how bright the color is, because I can always see it, even when it falls into the sink. It doesn’t go with the yellow pill. The doctor said not to take them at the same time, or something bad will happen. So, to be extra safe, I never take the yellow pill at all.”

Here's the link.

Frequently Asked Questions About Girl Scout Cookies

My latest at The Huffington Post:

3. What parts of girls are used in the making of Girl Scout Cookies?

Contrary to popular belief, Girl Scout Cookies do not currently contain any parts of actual girls. This is a rumor that needs to stop. We thank you for your support of the Girl Scout organization.

Here's the link.

How To Internet for Writers

I really like my latest piece on The Bygone Bureau, "How To Internet For Writers."  

"Welcome to How To Internet for Writers, our workshop on how you can most effectively use social media to promote yourselves and your books. I apologize that we have not been able to figure out how to get the computer to project our slides. Computers! They’re so complicated!"

I promise it's funny.  

“How many followers does it cost to get a book deal?”

“I’m writing a young adult novel and need to market it. Where do girls ages 14 to 17 hang out on the internet?”

“I was wondering where I can buy a Facebook. Do they sell it in Costco?”

“I do multiple kinds of writing. Should I have a different computer for each one?”

“I am interested in broadening my audience. Do you know if there’s a place where I can find girls ages 14 to 17?”

“My website doesn’t have an address. Is that okay?”

“Can I get a refund for this event? I paid three angry birds.”

Here's the link.

Friends, Classmates, Donors

My latest at Barnes & Noble is an e-mail exchange between the head of fundraising for the 10th anniversary college reunion class and a guy who doesn't want to give a donation.

If you've ever been shaken down for money by an acquaintance pretending to be a friend, you may enjoy this one.

Oh, what memories! That really brings me back, hombre. I was telling my wife all about you the other day. (You know I got married, right? Small wedding, otherwise we would have loved to have you there!) She couldn't believe all my stories about us -- that time we both did the reading for our Economics class, that time we both took that Economics exam, that time we got our transcripts and both had grades in Economics. Oh, man, it cracks me up. She imagined you'd be exactly the kind of friend who would be amazingly generous to the alumni giving campaign.

Here's the link.

Uncle Gets a Name

My latest adventure babysitting my 20-month-old niece, over at Kveller:

I carefully coaxed her favorite stuffed animal of the moment, Mo the Cow (short for Mooey!), out of her hands and onto the table (facing Lila, to watch her eat her lunch) and tried to explain that yogurt actually comes from animals like Mo. Not sure she followed. 

Here's the link.

My Girlfriend (A Manti Te'o Satire)

My latest on The Huffington Post... 

I met my girlfriend on Twitter. Our first date we stayed up half the night retweeting tweets and creating new hashtags.... We once stayed up all night on Facebook, naked, liking each other from head to toe. 

Here's the link.

Weather or Not

My latest, over at The Big Jewel, about The Weather Channel's purchase of Weather Underground and the nonsensification of weather reporting.

“You know there are people out there just waiting for clouds like these. People waiting to tell you that clouds mean rain — and lots of it. But we are not going to be sucked into the vortex of wind and precipitation that some quote-unquote meteorologist is warning us about. Clouds don’t mean anything — not on this show! In America, we don’t let a few clouds cause rain.”

Here's the link.

2013 eBook Preview

My latest at Barnes & Noble...

"January 22 -- "Inside The Inauguration," an exhaustive, insider's look at Barack Obama's second Presidential inauguration, set to be published just twenty-four hours after the President takes the oath of office... the most complete account of the inauguration published that Tuesday... rare perspective from historians who were alive at the time of the event..."

Here's the link.

Your Workplace Holiday Party

My latest at Barnes & Noble, just in time for the holidays:

Please enjoy this delicious spread of food paid for with the money that used to fund our health insurance plan. It might make you sick, but that's entirely your responsibility since July 1st of this past year. How's that working out for you? Time to gossip about people who aren't here. Now aren't you glad you showed up? That makes one of us.

Here's the link.

Temple Beth El Dorado is back for Chanukah

...with a brand-new parody synagogue bulletin, complete with an invite to the 18th Annual Chanukah Dinner-Dance, Torah Auction, Latke-palooza, and Hoop-of-Burning-Oil Children's Toss.

Here's the link.

(Happy Chanukah!) 

Cabin Pressure

Satirizing the airline safety lecture:

Our Academy Award-winning crew, trained to act as if this flight meets all FAA safety regulations, is currently coming through the aisle, looking to ensure that your seat backs are in an upright position, your window panes are mostly intact, and your tray tables are covered with a minimum viral load from the sneezes of previous passengers, as is required by law.

Here's the link.

Thank You For Being My Health Care Proxy

I've got a new piece on The Bygone Bureau satirizing the health care proxy.  If no one else has satirized health care proxies... perhaps there's a good reason.  Quick teaser:

1. If I am conscious, but have lost the ability to make appropriate decisions, I do not want cardiac resuscitation, mechanical respiration, or access to my Facebook and Twitter accounts. I do not want tube feeding, except for ice cream, preferably Mint Chocolate Chip. Cookie Dough is an acceptable substitution, but please be sure that the chunks of cookie dough do not get caught in the tube.

Here's the link.

A Friendly Change To Our Access Policy

I'm particularly proud of my newest humor piece, over at Feathertale, which posits a new solution to the problem of free riders on the Internet: a technology code-named FRANK, and actually named FRANK, who monitors website traffic with his eyes, and, in some cases, his snout.

Despite appearances, FRANK is mostly harmless, assuming you do not exceed your allowed page visits. FRANK requires just three meals a day, and a bathroom break every four hours. He will, of course, take your computer, smartphone, tablet, and up to eight of your fingers into the bathroom with him, so as to prevent you from impermissibly accessing our site.

Here's the link.

Horses, Bayonets, Cannonballs, and Sharp, Pointy Rocks

I've got a new piece on The Huffington Post about the third presidential debate:

NARRATOR: Fewer ships. Fewer horses. And more games downloaded from the iTunes app store by our military personnel than under any previous president. Do you want a military that plays Words With Friends instead of attacking our enemies? Do we even know who these "Friends" are? Are U.S. troops playing word games with Iranian terrorists? Can we really be sure they're not? Fewer bows. And nearly 80 percent fewer arrows. But more Angry Birds than ever before. That's the Obama military. And it's dangerous.

Here's the link.

Binders Literally Full of Actual Women

Over at The Huffington Post.... All about where Mitt Romney actually likes to store his women.  Or something like that.  If you watched the second presidential debate...

Here's the link.

Temple Beth El Dorado

Matthew David Brozik and I put together a fictional synagogue bulletin that we're very proud of.  If you've ever read a synagogue bulletin, and want to read one that is poking gentle, satirical fun at the form, check it out!  One friend has already said, "I am going to forward this to my rabbi."  Which is quite possibly a terrible idea.

Check it out.

Entering The Academy

I've got a new piece on Barnes & Noble inspired by a conversation with a friend about the nursery school application process, which sounds TERRIBLE, but at least they don't make the two-year-olds write an essay.  But if they did...

I don't mean to brag, but there is over an 80% chance that if I swallow something, it is food.

Here's the link.

The iMop 5: Buckets Sold Separately

My latest on The Huffington Post. Presenting the iMop 5. First leaked on Washable.com. Perfect for social wetworking. And can clean up even the largest spills from the iMop FrappStore. Store all of your dirt in a cloud, with the iMop 5.

Here's the link.

New Humor Piece: Tying the Interfaith Knot

I've got a new humor piece at Barnes & Noble imagining the world's most interfaith wedding ceremony.

This excerpt makes more sense in context, but it's my favorite paragraph in the piece, so here it is:

...But first I would like to ask you all to join me in this opening incantation, from the Book of Phones, page 332, line 7. Repeat after me: (814) 377-5023. That, my friends, is the phone number of the antelope rental company, just in case you need an antelope for your next spiritual ceremony. This section of this afternoon's ceremony is in fact sponsored by Quad Cities Antelope Rental, the first and only name in antelope rental, perfect for weddings, bar mitzvahs, copyediting and web design, and, for an additional fee, antelope meat.

Here's the link.