I just wrote a sketch I think is sort of funny. Figured I'd share. I just wrote it, so I may think it's funnier than it really is.
(Lights up on a living room. Matt sits on the couch watching TV. We hear a door open. Matt turns. Steve enters, coat on, wearing a backpack.)
STEVE
Yo.
MATT
Yo.
STEVE
You spend the whole day watching TV?
MATT
Pretty much.
STEVE
So you didn’t, oh, I don’t know, do the dishes?
MATT
Nope. Sorry. I’ll do them tomorrow.
STEVE
You said that yesterday.
MATT
Yeah. Sorry.
STEVE
You don’t DO anything all day. Why can’t you just do the dishes?
MATT
I don’t not DO anything. I’m getting ready for an audition on Friday. I need to find my emotional center. I don’t have the energy to worry about the
dishes.
STEVE
I guess this is what I get for living with… an actor.
MATT
You say that like it’s a worthless thing I do. Acting is a noble profession. Wait. Hold that thought for a second. (Matt grabs a newspaper off the couch and holds it like it means
something.) Acting is a noble
profession.
STEVE
There’s an article in the paper about it?
MATT
No. I just thought the
line sounded better with a prop in my hand.
STEVE
Wow. Just do the
dishes and stop making excuses.
MATT
They’re not excuses. I need my head to be clear for this part. I need to capture the essence of the
character, a down-on-his-luck yet upwardly mobile textile worker in 1840s
STEVE
I heard you the first time.
MATT
Yeah, but there’s better light over here.
STEVE
There’s terrific light over by the sink.
MATT
You won’t trick me with that one again. (second time with more deliberate
choices.) You… won’t trick me with that
one… again. (third time even more
over-the-top.) You won’t trick me with
that one again. Yet again. Again. (he picks up the newspaper.) Again. (he moves to new light.) Again.
STEVE
It’s been two years, and you haven’t gotten a single part
you’ve auditioned for.
MATT
It takes time. The
life of an actor is a hard one.
STEVE
Not yours. You don’t
even do the dishes.
MATT
Still with the dishes. Look, if we’re actually going to argue about this I need to put new
pants on. This isn’t a good arguing
costume.
STEVE
I don’t want to argue, Matt. I just want a clean fork. I know
it’s hard for you, but I work all day and I’m tired, and I don’t want to wash
the dishes either. I know you’re not
trying to be difficult.
MATT
(interrupting) No.
STEVE
What?
MATT
The emotional reconciliation can’t come until the second
act. Save it. We need to get all of our feelings out on the
table. We need a heated climax before we
can recover. Yell at me. Tell me what you’re feeling.
(Steve starts to say something.)
Hold a dirty fork while you do it. Hold the fork. It’ll make it more dramatic.
(Steve picks a dirty fork out of the sink, not entirely sure
why.)
STEVE
Holding this fork isn’t going to make a difference. I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
MATT
Roll your sleeves up.
(Steve rolls his sleeves up, half-heartedly.)
MATT
And move over toward me, in the light.
(Steve moves toward Matt, sleeves rolled up, holding the
fork.)
MATT
And let it all out.
STEVE (holding the fork limply)
I just want a clean fork.
MATT (reaching out and moving Steve’s arm)
No, thrust the fork at me. Really make your point.
STEVE (with more passion)
I just want a clean fork!
(Matt moves Steve’s whole body six inches to the left and unbuttons one of the buttons on his shirt.)
STEVE (even more passion)
I just want a clean fork!
MATT
Even more.
STEVE (lots of passion)
I just want a clean fork! (as he says it, he thrusts the fork at Matt and stabs him with it. It’s now stuck in Matt’s chest. Matt is thrilled. Steve is shocked at what
he’s done)
MATT
Great. Curtain. Ten-minute intermission and then we’ll talk
about the laundry.
(Matt exits. Steve remains in shock. Lights fade.)
It's pretty good. Captivating. Funny. In all honesty, though, the stabbing part wasn't much of a shock.
Posted by: Amateur Critic | April 18, 2006 at 06:27 PM
(Scene: Jeremy's apartment. Jeremy's roommate comes in.)
ROOMMATE: I see you didn't do the dishes.
JEREMY: Well, see, I have to find the emotional center of Anonymous Lawyer, and I don't think he'd be willing to do the dishes.
ROOMMATE: This is what I get for living with... a writer.
etc. etc.
(This is what actually happened, right? ;-) )
Posted by: Cathy | April 18, 2006 at 10:54 PM
I like the skit, it's funny. And the suggestions on you AL entry about the easter egg hunt are gold. Quite a few people out there seem to really understand the character!
Posted by: | April 19, 2006 at 01:36 AM
Hmmm...
Posted by: Ivy Dillinger | April 19, 2006 at 09:58 AM
Oh.. kay.. then...
Posted by: Kaschief | April 19, 2006 at 02:17 PM