Suppose you tell someone they're invited to your wedding, and they say they wish they could come but they already have another wedding that day, and so they can't.
Do you send them an invitation anyway?
I feel like there's probably a standard answer here, and I just don't know it.
Because I can make a sensible argument both ways.
Pro -- they know they would have been wanted there, and in case their plans change or the other wedding is cancelled or something else happens, they have an invitation, they know they're invited.
Con -- it seems like you're just asking for a gift.
Someone asked the same question on Yahoo Answers, I'm discovering while writing this post, and the answers are uniformly yes, send the invitation. Some people's reason is that the person might want a keepsake from your wedding even if they can't attend, which seems like a silly reason unless the person is related to you.
But if the correct answer is yes, send the invitation, it seems somewhat bizarre to send an e-mail to a friend you know can't come, saying "hey, I know you can't come to my wedding, but I want to send you an invitation anyway -- what's your address?" Or is that not bizarre at all, and doesn't sound like the gift shakedown I fear it does?
People's plans always change - you should send the invite
Posted by: anon | September 18, 2008 at 07:23 PM
If the person is a close enough friend that you'd invite them to your wedding, they're likely to give you a gift anyway. And if you are close enough to them that you want to invite them even if you know they can't come, but you don't want to seem to be fishing for a gift, you can come right out and SAY this in your email to them asking for their address.
If you're NOT that close, why waste so many brain cells? Either invite or don't, but don't worry.
Posted by: Ruth | September 18, 2008 at 11:24 PM
You've had the conversation. You needn't send an invitation that you expect them to have to decline.
Posted by: alkali | September 19, 2008 at 09:28 AM
I'm with Ruth.
Posted by: Katie | September 19, 2008 at 09:43 AM
Post a hypothetical wedding etiquette question on your blog and casually direct them to the link?
Posted by: Jen | September 19, 2008 at 11:28 AM
I agree with Ruth.
When I had my wedding, I didn't invite two of my really Orthodox friends who live in a far away state because my meal was not kosher (because I live in a city where it is almost impossible to get kosher food for everyone and it was really expensive to do that for the two people who probably couldn't have come and would have blown the budget my parents gave me). I didn't invite them because I knew they couldn't come and didn't want to be asking for a gift. And then I found out they were incredibly hurt, which made me have to have this awkward conversation and explain my rationale, which included a conversation I had with my Rabbi. We're fine now, but I still feel like an idiot when I talk to them. I never ever meant to hurt them.
Anyway, point in case, I would just send the invite.
Posted by: ... | September 21, 2008 at 07:44 PM
No, don't send it. Who keeps invitations as keepsakes these days anyway.
Posted by: lizette | September 22, 2008 at 12:41 PM
Definitely send the invite. Contrary to popular wisdom, invites are not an invoice for a gift -- people can freely give or not as they choose. (I have been invited to weddings for distant acquaintances and not sent a gift.) But not sending an invitation means that person is not actually invited. If their plans changed it would be awkward for them to have to call and ask if they could come.
Posted by: Jessica M. | September 22, 2008 at 02:00 PM
Send it, with a little note saying -- I know you mentioned you can't make it, so you don't need to RSVP unless your plans change.
Posted by: lobbyist | September 22, 2008 at 04:56 PM
No, for two perfectly sound reasons. First, you know they aren't going to come, so why waste money on an invitation when you already know the response (call me cheap, but that just makes good economic sense). Second, call me a pessimist, but if I received an invitation to a wedding and I had already said I couldn't go, I would view an invitation as a solicitation for a gift. This is your wedding, it is the one day of your life where you come first (with the possible exception of your funeral and that won't be as fun), enjoy it!
Posted by: Yep | September 23, 2008 at 10:54 AM
I think lobbyist makes a good point. Definitely send an invite.
Posted by: Agnes | September 29, 2008 at 07:30 PM
My step son and his fiance are getting married in May. They have planned the entire wedding including the rehearsal dinner. They have informed us that none of my their step siblings and half sister are of course invited but none of my extended family. They told us how much we owe them for our part and that since I was the non-bio parent that basically like it or not. I have been coparenting this kid for 20 years 50% of the time and now I'm the non-bio parent. I do not want to attend the wedding at this point. Is that wrong?
Posted by: mary payne | October 05, 2008 at 04:52 PM
im glad you said that, thanks for sharing me
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