Anthony Weiner's Twitter Scandal

[Wrote a satirical piece about Anthony Weiner's Twitter scandal... just thought I'd post it.]

WASHINGTON (AP) — Representative Anthony Weiner of New York denied yesterday that he sent a lewd photo from his Twitter account to a female college student but did little to calm the media storm when he said he could not say "with certitude" that the man in the photo wasn’t him.

“You know, I can’t say with certitude. Pictures can be manipulated. Pictures can be dropped in and inserted. Pictures can be partially manipulated and partially inserted. Something in that picture could have been partially inserted into the young woman who received the picture. I can’t say with certitude.

“I take pictures all the time. I take pictures in my underwear, and I take pictures out of my underwear. We all do. I have a lot of underwear. It’s hard to remember if the underwear in the picture is underwear that belongs to me, underwear that partially belongs to me, or underwear that belongs to someone else that I may have been wearing. Perhaps it is my underwear and someone else was wearing it. Perhaps it is someone else’s underwear and I was partially wearing it. Perhaps it isn’t even underwear at all.

“My underwear is fairly easily manipulated if you know how to manipulate underwear. I have underwear on my computer and off my computer. I take pictures of my computer wearing underwear. If this was a picture of my computer wearing underwear that I had sent to another computer, wearing a different pair of underwear, this would be an entirely different issue.

“It’s a terrible thing that this poor woman got dragged into it. Did I personally drag her somewhere and show her my underwear? Who knows. She may have been manipulated. She may have been dropped in and inserted into my underwear. She may have been partially inserted into my underwear, using a camera that is also a Twitter account. I may have taken a picture of my underwear dragging her somewhere and showing her how to use Twitter. My underwear is particularly computer-savvy.

“The real issue isn’t whether I’m the person in the picture, whether I wear underwear, or whether I am a buyer and seller of other people’s underwear on Twitter. This was a prank, a hoax. My underwear plays pranks on me all the time. My computer plays pranks on my underwear. My Twitter account plays pranks on my refrigerator. If someone else played a prank, while manipulating my underwear, would this really be an issue?

“This is not worthy of a federal probe. It’s not worthy of any kind of probe. Was there a probe in my underwear? Did the probe belong to me? If it turns out there’s something larger going on here, we’ll take the appropriate steps, which may in fact include the purchasing of a larger pair of underwear.

“I was wearing underwear. I deleted it. Should a Congressman always wear underwear? It’s a difficult question. I can’t say with certitude.”