Jeremy Blachman's Weblog: 2012

Todd Akin, Chief of Police

I've got a silly piece on The Huffington Post pondering Todd Akin as a police chief:

"OK, everyone, no need to worry. I'm sure the missing child will turn up. We all know that in a legitimate kidnapping, a child's feet secrete a powerful adhesive that should enable him to stick to virtually any surface, making it impossible to be dragged anywhere."

Here's the link.

Uncle Changes Diaper

A few months ago, I wrote a piece about babysitting my niece, Lila, for an hour and a half. This time, the stakes were much higher-- eight hours, alone, with a now-15-month-old toddler! Find out whether she survived by clicking the link!

Tastes of New York

My latest piece at the Barnes & Noble Review, timed for Restaurant Week, and building off a recent New York Times article about the restaurant Eleven Madison Park rejiggering its menu to celebrate the "romance and history of New York."

The George Washington Bridge serves as the inspiration for your next course. Tiny fingerling potatoes from a farm just outside Syracuse have been carefully carved into miniature automobiles, and are presented on your plate suspended between two corn-cob towers along a grape-seed roadway. The potato-cars should be dipped into the river of sauce that runs along the west side of the dining room.

Here's the link.

Subscription Optional

I've got a new piece at Defenestration Magazine today, called "Subscription Optional."  It starts off as actual English and ends up as a collection of binary code and crossword clues.  To discover how it gets there, you'll have to check out the piece.

For years, we have offered you the option of becoming a paid subscriber to our website, but have always assured you that even if you did not subscribe, we would never erect a paywall to prevent you from enjoying the articles we are so proud to publish.  That promise remains as true as ever.  In that spirit, we are excited to announce a series of changes that will be rolled out to non-subscribers in the weeks to come...

Here's the link.

"Great Vacation Rental Available!"

My latest McSweeney's piece... inspired by an apartment rental experience... which did not result in my wife getting kidnapped by bandits, fortunately.

You can walk to a train station in 15 minutes, unless you prefer to walk along paved roads, in which case it will take slightly more than a day. You can also walk to a bus station, but the buses stopped running in 1974. I have extra transit tickets in my desk drawer, next to the loaded handgun, inside the DVD case labeled SECRET RECORDINGS OF PREVIOUS GUESTS. You are welcome to them.

Here's the link.

Portion Control

Last week, The New Yorker ran corrections on some of science writer Jonah Lehrer's blog posts when it was discovered that he repurposed material from his previous writing.  I'm a fan of Lehrer's work-- I've read and enjoyed all three of his books.  Wrote a very silly piece building off of The New Yorker's disclaimer, which is up at The Barnes & Noble Review today.  Here's an excerpt:

Editors' Note: Portions of this post appeared in similar form in an April, 2011, post.... We regret the duplication of material. -- The New Yorker

...

Editors' Note: Portions of our intern will no longer be appearing in our office. We regret that you will now have to duplicate your own material.

There's a bunch of stuff in between that makes that excerpt make sense.  I'm finding that this is a hard piece to excerpt.

Here's the link.

"Great Players Don't Need A Psychiatrist"

Over at FanGraphs, I've got a silly piece building off an Ozzie Guillen quote over the weekend that players don't need psychiatrists:

"You know who else doesn’t need a doctor? Pitchers with torn ligaments.... I was from an era in baseball when tobacco juice and peanut shells took care of the anatomical things. You break your arm, you stick some gum in there, wrap it with newspaper, and go out and pitch the next day.... My wife, when she had a baby, she went into the kitchen, cut the umbilical cord with our cake knife, and then went back to cleaning my cleats like I told her to."

More here.

Sunday Routine

New post on The Nervous Breakdown, parodying the New York Times Sunday Routine column (real examples here).

Sundays start early for Aristotle von Buckingham, the 32-year-old venture capitalist and professional yo-yo master.  He and his girlfriend, Madonna Luxembourg, live in the penthouse of an Upper West Side brownstone with their pet elephant, two and a half children, and a life-size statue of Zach Galifianakis.

Here's the link.

A Note on the Paper

If you've ever wondered about the paper inside the books you read, where it comes from, and how it feels.  Okay, you've probably never wondered about that.  But just in case.  I've got a piece on The Millions satirizing notes on the typeface, with a story about Larry, a tree, and the book he was pulped to make.

Here's the link.

Fetch The Remote

New piece on Barnes and Noble's Grin & Tonic today... an imagined conversation between two "programming executives" at DogTV (this is real!), a new 24-hour cable channel with programming designed specifically for dogs.

"Our audience loves Fox & Friends. Especially the fox. I don't think the morning is our problem. Throw a few reruns of Bones in there, and everyone's happy."

Here's the link.

New on McSweeney's-- "Sorry Everyone, My Personal Website Is Now Behind A Paywall

Excerpt:

The Mom Plan

This plan includes unlimited access to the popular daily Job Search Report (now celebrating its six-month anniversary), the Alcohol Consumption Meter, my award-winning First Date Recaps, the weekly “Do I Need A Haircut?” live-cam, and limited access to the refrigerator (solely for the purpose of filling it with food and not to judge its contents). This plan also comes with two reluctant phone calls per week and my Bronze customer service plan, which promises to respond to emails within 48 hours, except when I don’t feel like it. 

Here's the link.

New Patient Information

A new piece I'm particularly pleased with, over at The Bygone Bureau, satirizing doctor's office rules and policies.  "We request that you supervise young children. Those children will be provided to you by the receptionist."

Here's the link.

I Can Explain...

...is the name of my new humor piece on the Barnes & Noble site.

If you've ever made up an excuse about skipping a meeting, you may enjoy.

From the outtakes: "I regret my inability to finish this month's book club pick, "The Colossal Failure of American Education." The truth is, I have absolutely no idea how to read."

Here's the link.

Mike Daisey's Stories from the Campaign Trail

I've got a piece up on The Nervous Breakdown imagining what Mike Daisey might have done as a political reporter, on some recent campaigns: 2012, 2008, 2000, 1836... "I met Martin Van Buren. We went to a Starbucks. He was underage. I showed him my iPad." Fun piece, I hope.  No matter what you think of Mike Daisey and his NPR scandal. Here's the link.

Killer Read

New piece up on The Millions this afternoon, called Killer Read. It's a reading group guide for a "new" thriller, The Reading Group Killer. Perhaps your book club wants to check it out. Here's the link.